Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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