I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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