He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
