I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
