Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Of course I have a pirate flag
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
