The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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