Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
