Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
