there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
