At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
