i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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