That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
