You made me cry and you don't even care
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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