she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
