I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
