I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize