puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
