We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I don't deserve a penis
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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