Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My vagina just recognized that song.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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