The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
We need to get me chipped asap
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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