Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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