Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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