your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
