Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
