hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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