My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
