I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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