I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
this hospital has no fireball
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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