I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
