Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
