Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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