i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
