hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
