So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
