Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
