Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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