i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
