I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
