He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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