mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
