he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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