I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize