Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
you inspire me to be a worse person
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize