He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Randomize
