I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Randomize
