He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
