Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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