Your dad touched me again.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
