Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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