Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize