im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
