I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
