Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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