You work out of a Hotel?
I cannot find my penis.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
