I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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