you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
