What a fucking waste of an outfit
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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