I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
